Divorce and the Narcissist- A Guidebook

Personality types in a relationship vary greatly. We have given terms to them: empath, alpha, giver, taker, and the like. The most difficult of these personality types to deal with is the narcissist.

Being married to a narcissist is an interesting and sometimes extremely unpleasant experience. From the very beginning, it is important for the narcissist ("Narc") to paint the other spouse (“Subject Spouse” or “the Subject”) in a negative light compared to themselves. It begins with the odd derogatory statement and progresses to full blown gaslighting.  This approach is also the same concerning people associated with the marriage, or friends of the family.  Unless they know the subject spouse well, they will be related information from the Narc which paints the subject in the worst way possible.

The Narc will undoubtedly have significant, consistently updated social media accounts with self-promoting material, including many pictures of themselves.  Social media is a powerful tool for the Narc and allows him/her to distribute her/his manipulations to a very wide area in a short period of time. 

Regardless of who or what ended the marriage- it will never be the Narcs’ fault.  That is to say, even if the Narc committed outrageous, abusive acts, the tactics he/she uses after/during the dissolution will ensure those around them are manipulated sufficiently to believe the Narc is totally blameless.[1] This behavior is not limited to immediately after the marriage; the Narc will necessarily need to maintain the illusion for as long as influence of his/her immediate community is required. 

Upon divorce, the Narc will use every available method to disparage and influence public opinion about the subject spouse.  In a divorce to a Narc, it is usually the subject spouse who initiates the dissolution.  However, regardless of how good a person the subject spouse is, they can expect to be mercilessly attacked from every angle by those friendly to the Narc (and her/his “flying monkeys”- discussed later)[2].  A somewhat common trend has developed in these situations, with the subject being labelled as “crazy”, a “freak”, or “an abuser” by the narc.[3]  Almost always, there is little, if any, evidence to support the Narcs claims about the subject spouse.  However, because Narcs are experts at coercion and manipulation, the requisite evidence is never necessary.  Of course, this changes in any kind of formal setting- such as court.  If the Narc tries to use the same arguments in court-her/his claims quickly fall apart. 

This is all done to ensure the Narc retains a blameless, victim-oriented persona to the public at large, while the subject is looked upon with disdain.  An essential element to this approach is to ensure the subject is both unaware of the Narcs efforts and remains somewhat isolated from avenues of communication which could shed light on the Narc’s tactics.[4]  Most subject-spouses are powerless to fight such behavior from the Narc, as they would require the same charisma and social ability- which, without significant time and effort- is impossible to attain, as Narcs are masters at manipulating those around them.  If the subject-spouse holds any type of prominent position in the community, he/she can expect the Narc to use all available methods to influence their job, workplace, and community interactions in any way possible. 

Communication

            It is important to understand that all text/email/written communications with the Narc will be used for manipulative purposes.  Without the benefit of talking to the subject spouse, his/her communications and actions will be “assigned” a motivation or intent by the Narc to fit into his/her story.  Client’s are always advised when dealing with a Narc that “less is better.” This is because, while the subject spouse may be reaching out emotionally- confused by the Narcs behavior- such communications will only be distorted and framed with ill-intent by the Narc to those he/she wishes to influence.  Any in-person contact with the Narc- during the divorce and after- will be used in the same way.  The subject spouse can expect to be video-recorded and assailed by friends/significant others of the Narc to further the Narcs story.  The Narc pathology does not allow for any kind of reconciliation or emotional connection- if you leave one, you are the enemy and every resource in the Narcs arsenal will be used against you.    

If the subject shares children with the Narc, an even more insidious tactic is commonly used.  The Narc will start manipulating the children early- sometimes before they can even speak[5].  Such manipulation will continue throughout the entire early life of the children- and only significant efforts to enroll the children in intensive therapy can combat such behavior.  The subject spouse can expect those caretakers/school personnel around the children to be influenced in the same way as the community at large- with few, if any doubting the things related to them from the Narc about the other spouse.id.   

“Flying Monkeys”

A genuine Narc will use most people without them even realizing it.  Taken in by the Narcs manipulations and victimhood, the Flying Monkey (“FM”) will conduct themselves believing they are working for the interests of a legitimate victim when, in reality, the motivation behind the Narcs purpose is much darker.  Sakthivel, a foremost expert on the subject, discusses it as such:

“Flying monkeys refer to people who carry out the work of a narcissist or an abusive person, and it comes from The Wizard of Oz, in which the Wicked Witch of the West puts flying monkeys under her spell. They did the bidding for the Wicked Witch in much the same way as people might ‘work’ for a narcissist—hence the term being used to describe these people. A narcissist might use their friends or family—or even yours—as spies, or to spread rumors, making them act as substitutes for themselves.”[6]

With regard to the motivations of these FM’s, Sakthivel puts it like this:

“They could be in denial, or “simply lack the emotional intelligence or empathy to understand the harm they’re participating in,” says Dr. Kerwin. Often, flying monkeys fulfill their role without actually realizing it, or genuinely believing that the narcissist is in the right because they’re taken in by them and their perspective.”[7]

Generally, the subject spouse believes they know who the Narcs friends are and who may try to influence them and those around them at the outset of a divorce.  However, as we can see from the findings of Sakthivel, this is not always the case.  Often, the Narc will use individuals the subject spouse has never met to sew discord and spread false rumors- this is especially true at the subject-spouse’ place of employment.6

The influence of FM’s doesn’t just stop at general social interactions or the workplace.  If divorcing a Narc (or, sometimes even long after a divorce), the subject spouse can expect the Narcs manipulations to have reached the local dating scene.  If not directly, then the Narcs message is usually filtered via its FM’s- either through social media or word of mouth- to those the subject spouse may potentially meet in a romantic situation.6

There is no cure for dealing with a narcissist.  If divorcing without children, there is some relief; as the Narc will eventually find a new supply and his/her tactics will shift to new prey.  However, if divorcing and you share children with a Narc, he/she will be required to continue the same behavior used during the marriage- the rumors, FM’s, and manipulations will continue.

An experienced family lawyer can help you navigate dealing with a Narcissist both during and after your divorce.  If you believe we can help, call us to make an appointment or have a consultation over the phone. When you meet with us, we can help you understand the particular circumstance surrounding your issue and create an individualized plan to help you come to the best resolution possible. You can also visit our website:  legalcentralflorida.org for more information.

[1] Darius Cikanavicius How Narcissists Try to Avoid Responsibility (psychcentral.com)

[2] Sakthivel A. Flying monkeys in a corporate environment: A qualitative analysis. Int J Indian Psychol. 2021;9(2): 417-421. doi:10.25215.0902.043

[3] Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy on mindbodygreen | mindbodygreen

4. id. 

[5] Julie L. Hall13 Ways Narcissistic Parents Sabotage Their Children | Psychology Today

6. Sakthivel A. Flying monkeys in a corporate environment: A qualitative analysis. Int J Indian Psychol. 2021;9(2): 417-421. doi:10.25215.0902.043